\u0130\u00e7indeki k\u0131r\u0131nt\u0131lara tak\u0131l\u0131yorsun u\u00e7urumdan uzakla\u015fmak\nu\u011fruna. Kendini sar\u0131 takunyalara giydiriyorsun. K\u0131r\u0131nt\u0131lar u\u011fruna mukavemet ile\nbir daha ayn\u0131 hatalara d\u00fc\u015fmemeye \u00f6zen: Zayi zayi zayiat, kabahat, sukut ile.\nG\u00f6kten d\u00fc\u015fenlerin arkas\u0131ndan fergan figan, a\u011f\u0131t seni bu \u00e7ukura \u00e7eken. Sar\u0131\ntakunyalar de\u011fil asla. Denge, belki bu\ntekerle\u011fe bir ad\u0131m daha katabilirsin fakat kendi kendine d\u00f6nd\u00fc denge d\u00f6ng\u00fc\n\u00f6l\u00e7e\u011finde. Yine anlams\u0131zl\u0131kla su\u00e7la, kendine \u00f6\u011f\u00fcnler bul. Var etmek ad\u0131na\nkendinden bir par\u00e7ay\u0131, do\u011furmak ad\u0131na t\u00fcket!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gelecek olan g\u00f6kten de\u011fil, annenin karn\u0131ndan g\u00f6\u011fe ebedi\nrezilli\u011fe do\u011fru u\u00e7arken, sen burada madam i\u00e7in a\u011f\u0131tlara s\u00fcr\u00fcn\u00fcrken birileri\nge\u00e7mi\u015ften seslenir \u00fczerine kum d\u00f6ker benzin d\u00f6ker su d\u00f6ker. Sen \u00e7amurun alt\u0131nda\nkaburgalar\u0131nda ak\u00e7elik, ya\u015fam sava\u015f\u0131 verirken, a\u011fr\u0131 saplan\u0131r burgun buruk\nb\u0131kk\u0131n \u00f6z\u00fcmsemi\u015f haline \u00e7amurda, \u00fcst\u00fcne benzin ya\u011far \u00fcst\u00fcne g\u00f6klerden \u0131\u015f\u0131k\nd\u00fc\u015fmez. G\u00f6z\u00fc g\u00f6rmez seni derler ki yukar\u0131dan g\u00f6rd\u00fc g\u00fcn\u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131nda bir karalt\u0131\ndiye: Madam yaln\u0131\u015f g\u00f6rd\u00fc bizi verirken sava\u015f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 ad\u0131 belli olmayana dair,\ny\u00fcz\u00fcm\u00fczde k\u00f6m\u00fcr beklerken kalbinin at\u0131\u015f\u0131n\u0131 hissetmek i\u00e7inve sessizce kalbimize\ng\u00f6md\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fcz sava\u015f \u015fark\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131 sana ula\u015ft\u0131rmak i\u00e7in. Madam esge\u00e7erken hepimizi\nd\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015fken kendi namusunun pe\u015fine, kendi iktidar\u0131n\u0131 kovalarken g\u00f6klerde\nhayk\u0131rd\u0131m g\u00fclmekten unuttum ac\u0131m\u0131. G\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcmdeki i\u015flemeyi ve karn\u0131mdaki \u00e7ocu\u011fu\nunuttum, uykuya dald\u0131m ve uyand\u0131\u011f\u0131mda buradayd\u0131m. \u00c7amurun i\u00e7inde bir evde tek\nba\u015f\u0131ma, tekr ettiler beni ve hat\u0131rlad\u0131m bu sefer akl\u0131ma kaz\u0131d\u0131m g\u00f6\u011f\u00fcn mavisini,\nfilizin kokusunu ve fukaran\u0131n d\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fcn\u00fc aln\u0131m\u0131n ortas\u0131na b\u0131rakt\u0131m, elime\nba\u011flad\u0131m ve kendime bir aile yaratt\u0131m. Bu sefer hep bir a\u011f\u0131zdan ba\u011f\u0131rarak\ns\u00f6yleyelim diye bu \u015fark\u0131y\u0131…<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ellerimde g\u00fcne\u015f var ve iki g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcn ortas\u0131nda bir m\u00fch\u00fcr. Seslenir\nbana uzaklardan hat\u0131rlatmak i\u00e7in kendini. R\u00fczgar\u0131n getirdi\u011fi, dudaklar\u0131mda o\ng\u00fcn\u00fcn tad\u0131 dama\u011f\u0131mda topra\u011f\u0131n i\u00e7ine g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm ilk ku\u015fu koydum. Biraz aktoprak\nsonradan sa\u00e7lar\u0131nda yer bulacak g\u00f6klerden ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 yata\u011f\u0131na b\u0131rak\u0131yorum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bu gece \u00f6lebilirsin koynumda kendini say\u0131klarken. B\u0131rak sana geleyim de b\u0131rak a\u00e7ay\u0131m a\u011fz\u0131m\u0131 bulsun bu b\u00fcy\u00fc ger\u00e7ekle\u015ftirsin b\u00fct\u00fcn ge\u00e7mi\u015fi g\u00fcne b\u00fct\u00fcnlesin e\u015fi\u011fini. Bizi yaln\u0131z b\u0131raks\u0131n. Kendimize yetelim diye indim ben g\u00f6klerden ak, topra\u011fa r\u00fczgarla geldim yan\u0131na ve getirdim b\u00fct\u00fcn m\u00fch\u00fcrlerimi senin i\u00e7in. Ad\u0131m\u0131 bile bilinmezken toplad\u0131m b\u00fct\u00fcn s\u0131rlar\u0131 bir araya sen i\u00e7ini a\u00e7mak istersin diye g\u00f6rmek istersin diye saklad\u0131m yata\u011f\u0131m\u0131n alt\u0131na bakma bana, s\u00f6yle neden bug\u00fcn korkuyorsun benden. Se\u00e7mi\u015fken rengimi sana dair b\u00fct\u00fcn g\u00f6mm\u00fc\u015fken topra\u011fa b\u00fcy\u00fclerimi. Belki bug\u00fcn bitebilir bu \u00fc\u00e7gen eflatun ve b\u0131rakabilir yerini sar\u0131 takunyalara. Hi\u00e7 bakt\u0131n m\u0131 ne yaz\u0131yor alt\u0131nda \u0130nsan i\u00e7in diyor, \u201cM\u00fch\u00fcr getirdim. Siz yemin etmek zorunda kalmay\u0131n diye kendimi feda ettim. Kozam\u0131 deldim, \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131 verdim renkleri verdim p\u00fcr\u00fczl\u00fc, g\u00f6r\u00fcn diye buraday\u0131m unutmadan \u00e7amurun alt\u0131nda ge\u00e7irdi\u011fim o g\u00fcnde yine ya\u011fmur ya\u011f\u0131yor \u00fcst\u00fcme benzin su. Kalkam\u0131yorum. \u00dcst\u00fcmde o cihan harbi Davul ve naralar, uykuya dalmak istemiyorum. Benim ninnim bu de\u011fildi. Bal\u0131kla gelmedim ben sudan gelmedim. Hep buradayd\u0131m ama topra\u011f\u0131n \u00e7ocu\u011fu da de\u011filim. \u0130ki g\u00f6z\u00fcn ortas\u0131nda bazen bulunurum. Ellerinde g\u00f6rebilirsin bazen g\u00f6\u011fe kald\u0131r\u0131rken sen kaybolurum. \u0130\u00e7ine do\u011fru karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n \u00e7ekincelerinden do\u011far\u0131m. Ger\u00e7e\u011fi ilmek ilmek s\u00f6kelebilmek i\u00e7in. Karde\u015flerim taraf\u0131ndan hep \u00f6telenirim ya\u015fl\u0131y\u0131m diye. \u0130lk ben geldim, sevmezler beni. Hep buruktur i\u00e7leri. Terk ettim diye sonunda, m\u00fchr\u00fcm buldu beni. Anlad\u0131m onlar\u0131 ne demek bir ba\u015f\u0131na dolanmak uzay orman\u0131nda, ne demek uyanmak bir ba\u015f\u0131na hi\u00e7 tatmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n mevkiide s\u00fcr\u00fcklenmek, adi olmak ne demek g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. \u0130nsan olmak ne demek hala bilemedim. Ad\u0131m yok, vermediniz bana G\u00f6lgede de\u011filim bu y\u00fczden hep suretim s\u0131fata d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcr bir gemici uzaya ba\u015f kald\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131nda. Hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum ilk \u015fark\u0131m\u0131, g\u00f6z\u00fcmden t\u00fcreyen \u00e7ocu\u011fumla s\u00f6yledim. Kendimi ilk burada b\u0131rakt\u0131m so\u011fuk duvar\u0131n e\u015fi\u011finde, tam d\u00f6nd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde g\u00f6rebilirsin beni. Bir kez daha soruyorum \u00e7ocuklar\u0131ma. Benden \u00f6nde gelen \u00e7ocuklar\u0131ma bakmak istiyorum, ellerinden tutmak bu ac\u0131ya son vermek, i\u00e7lerindeki \u015f\u00fcpheyi m\u00fch\u00fcrlemek ve topra\u011fa g\u00f6mmek istiyorum. Bu tohumu salarsam topra\u011fa gelecek sonumuz. I\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131n \u00f6de gelenleri bitirecek i\u00e7imizdeki dengeyi d\u00f6ng\u00fc ile yedirecek bize. Kurutacak kan\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 \u00e7amurun i\u00e7inde. Saklayacak an\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 g\u00f6zlerinin ortas\u0131nda. M\u00fch\u00fcrleyecek dillerimizi \u00e7\u0131kmas\u0131n karanl\u0131\u011fa. Ba\u011flayacak ellerimizi sava\u015fmayal\u0131m diye bir daha.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yasemin AKDEN\u0130Z<\/a><\/strong>
A\u011fustos 2023 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
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