\u015eudur ikilemden \u00f6teye ge\u00e7emeyen,\npar\u0131ldayan ve g\u00fcn\u00fcn ilk ye\u015filine \u00e7alan, taziyelerimi sunarken ba\u015f\u0131ma el\npeki\u015ftiren. \u0130\u00e7imde taze sular\u0131n ak\u0131p bir yerlerde d\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmlendi\u011fi an, havuzumda\nbir gurultu, boynumda sanc\u0131. \u00dczerime ya\u011fan idrar ve kolumdan akan gazoz. \u00d6d\nba\u011flar\u0131m \u00e7\u00f6z\u00fcle, hakikat horluyor kula\u011f\u0131mda. Sessiz, ellerim b\u00fck\u00fcld\u00fc geriye ve\nben katland\u0131m, \u0131\u015f\u0131lt\u0131ya do\u011fru akarken, \u00f6d ba\u011flar\u0131m \u00e7\u00f6z\u00fcld\u00fc. Koca sirke\nk\u00fcplerini ta\u015f\u0131yan \u015fudur ki beni gece \u00f6lesiye g\u00fcld\u00fcren. A\u015fa\u011f\u0131ya t\u0131rman\u0131rken,\nkarn\u0131m a\u00e7, sirke k\u00fcp\u00fc onun s\u0131rt\u0131nda, ellerim b\u00fck\u00fck ve kalbim kokuyor. \u00c7\u00fcr\u00fcmeden\naz evvel daml\u0131yor irin, kalbimden. Daml\u0131yor irin \u00e7\u00fcr\u00fcmeden az evvel, ikilemden\n\u00f6teye ge\u00e7emeyen \u015fudur ki par\u0131ldayan, ye\u015file \u00e7alan g\u00fcnde taziyelerimi kabul eden\nve elime ac\u0131 peki\u015ftiren. D\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fcn \u00f6tesine ge\u00e7en ve havuzda kaybolan hakikat, \u00f6d\nba\u011flar\u0131m\u0131 \u00e7\u00f6z\u00fcyor. Geriye b\u00fck\u00fclen ellerim katlanmaktan ba\u015fka hi\u00e7bir i\u015fe\nyaram\u0131yor. \u00c7ifte g\u00f6r\u00fcnt\u00fcler g\u00fczergahta seyrediyor. G\u00fcn\u00fcn ikilemi beni eze dura,\ni\u00e7imden \u015feytan \u00e7\u0131ka, e\u015fsiz seyahatim uzaya b\u00fck\u00fcyor, d\u00fczlemde elim kanda\nbeklerken \u00f6telenmeyi, sessizlik, nefes al\u0131\u015f\u0131 \u00f6tekinin. Tamamlanma ihtiyac\u0131\nki\u015finin kara deli\u011finden \u00f6te gelir. Geli\u015fim dedi\u011fin pedagog i\u015fidir ve japon mal\u0131\ngemiler bu i\u015fi \u00e7ok iyi bilir. Etin kemi\u011fe dayanabilir olmas\u0131 kimin varolu\u015funu\n\u00f6ne s\u00fcrer de filler tepemde oynarken elim cebimde, sen melodiler t\u00fcretirken\nbo\u011fazkesenden a\u015fa\u011f\u0131, hep ayn\u0131 mekan, olgular i\u00e7imde b\u00fcz\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyor. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Tad\u0131n f\u0131nd\u0131k gibiydi, me\u011ferse\nbadem. Havuzumda bir gurultu, boynumda sanc\u0131. Vaku olan iki g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcn aras\u0131nda,\nsanc\u0131lar\u0131ma meydan okuyacak merhemi hen\u00fcz \u00f6\u011frenmedi\u011fim zamanlard\u0131. G\u0131yaktan\nkubbeler alt\u0131nda esnerken ve ellerimin b\u00fck\u00fclmesine engel olmazken, \u00e7ocuklar\u0131m\nkirilleri yemeyi hen\u00fcz bilmezkenden. Kimsesiz hissettim kendimi. Bir an\ntasarlad\u0131m mezar\u0131m\u0131, i\u00e7ine badem de girsin, sirkeler ve hen\u00fcz ad\u0131n\u0131 koymad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\ndi\u011fer s\u0131v\u0131lar. Havuzumda t\u00fcretebildi\u011fim her bir imge. Davul seslerini o zaman\ni\u015fittim. Benden olmayan ses, s\u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcr\u00fcz \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc benden gelenler, at\u0131\u015f\u0131m\u0131z yoktur\nki. \u0130\u00e7e \u00e7\u00f6kerim, davul sesleri i\u015fitirim. Badem bile duruldu bir an. Uzaktaki\narkada\u015flar\u0131ma seslendim. Benden olana benzemeseler de s\u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fc\u015f\u00fc e\u015fit olan\narkada\u015flar\u0131m, bat\u0131dan kutu b\u0131rakt\u0131lar hemen yan\u0131ma, \u201c\u00f6d ba\u011flan\u0131nca a\u00e7ars\u0131n.\u201d\nKendimi yerden kald\u0131rd\u0131m, nas\u0131l bilmem, iki da\u011f\u0131n aras\u0131ndaki dereye do\u011fru\nad\u0131mlamaya ba\u015flad\u0131m. Kutunun beni takip edece\u011fine dair b\u00fcy\u00fc ettim. \u00c7ocuklar\u0131ma\nseslendim, \u201cgelin, \u00f6de gidiyoruz.\u201d Kendimi \u00f6\u011f\u00fctecek kadar titriyordum. \u00d6b\u00fcr\nkubbelerden, karde\u015flerim, \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131klar atmaya, beni engellemeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015fsalar da\nm\u00fch\u00fcrlerim hepsine engel oldu. Gitmemi istemedikleri o iki da\u011f\u0131n aras\u0131ndaki\ndere sonlar\u0131n\u0131n y\u00f6n\u00fcn\u00fc de\u011fi\u015ftirecek, biliyorlar. Benden olan\u0131 oradan oraya\ns\u00fcr\u00fckleyip, r\u00fczgarla saklasalar da, \u00e7ocuklar\u0131m\u0131 g\u00f6mseler de uzay\u0131n i\u00e7ine,\nkinlerini ak\u0131tsalar da taba\u011f\u0131ma, g\u00f6lgede de\u011filim bu y\u00fczden hep suretim s\u0131fata\nd\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcr ve kurtulu\u015fumu peki\u015ftirir. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Her ad\u0131m\u0131m, biraz s\u00fcr\u00fcyor, \u00e7ocuklar\u0131m bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc birbirine yeti\u015femiyor. Mangal\u0131nda ikide bir a\u011fac\u0131m\u0131 yakan karde\u015flerim bu sefer g\u00fcnl\u00fcklerime sald\u0131rd\u0131lar ben ad\u0131mlad\u0131k\u00e7a. Birtak\u0131m t\u00fcts\u00fcler, defne yapraklar\u0131n\u0131n sisi de bizi takip etmeye ba\u015flad\u0131. Ad\u0131mlar\u0131m aras\u0131nda d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeye ba\u015flad\u0131m; sis i\u00e7imize s\u0131zsa, \u00e7ocuklar\u0131m\u0131 elime dolad\u0131klar\u0131mla bir etsem yolumu bulabilir miyim? Kendimden olan\u0131 arkama ektik\u00e7e yolumu bulabilir miyim? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yasemin AKDEN\u0130Z<\/a><\/strong>
Eyl\u00fcl 2023 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\n