Fark\u0131ndal\u0131k s\u0131n\u0131r\u0131n\u0131n a\u015f\u0131lmas\u0131, s\u0131k\u0131ca tutulan \u2018anlam\u2019 bilgisini elden ka\u00e7\u0131r\u0131r ve g\u00fcndelik ger\u00e7ek, kendi \u00fczerine yans\u0131yan \u2018mizansen\u2019 duygusunu tek ki\u015filik bir hava bo\u015flu\u011funa d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcr\u00fcr. Bo\u015flu\u011fu olu\u015fturan, di\u015fi belle\u011fin, t\u0131pk\u0131 i\u015flevi dumura u\u011fram\u0131\u015f bir organ gibi \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131l\u0131p saklanmas\u0131d\u0131r. Belleksiz kad\u0131n, onun eylemlerini yaln\u0131zca kendi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnce s\u0131n\u0131rlar\u0131n\u0131z dahilinde kestirebilece\u011finiz yatay bir bo\u015fluktan ibarettir. Ve o bo\u015flu\u011fa d\u00fc\u015fmeksizin korumaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m bellek, zamans\u0131z olan, ancak kendi olmayan di\u015fi imgeye ula\u015fabilmemdeki tek s\u0131rd\u0131r. Genetik s\u00fcre\u00e7lerden uzak, zamanla olu\u015fan ve sonras\u0131nda kendi sonsuzlu\u011funu kazanan bu s\u0131r, kemik ili\u011finin i\u00e7 y\u00fczeyine g\u00f6m\u00fclm\u00fc\u015f ilahi bir sarmal \u00e7izgide sakl\u0131d\u0131r. Konu\u015ftuk\u00e7a kendinizi gizledi\u011finiz ve gizlendi\u011finiz \u00f6l\u00e7\u00fcde yakla\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z belle\u011fi olmayan bo\u015fluk, ancak ilikte bulunan sarmal g\u00fcc\u00fcn yard\u0131m\u0131yla sizi yutan de\u011fil de kusan bir bo\u015fluk haline gelir. Bir bo\u015fluk taraf\u0131ndan d\u0131\u015far\u0131 f\u0131rlat\u0131lmak, \u2018varolu\u015fun\u2019 zavall\u0131 bir ya\u015fama h\u0131rs\u0131na d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015fmesinden ba\u015fka bir \u015fey de\u011fildir. G\u00fcndelik ger\u00e7ekli\u011fin neredeyse d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda ve bo\u015flu\u011fa do\u011fru a\u00e7m\u0131\u015f oldu\u011funuz kap\u0131n\u0131n basit bir dil s\u00fcr\u00e7mesiyle ya da sendelemeyle surat\u0131n\u0131za kapanmas\u0131, \u2018kendilik\u2019 tan\u0131m\u0131n\u0131z\u0131 yeniden cisimle\u015ftirir, ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z \u2018an\u2019\u0131 zaman\u0131n kendisinden soyutlayarak onu gelecek\u00e7i \u00e7izgileri korunmu\u015f bir fosil haline getirir. Uzun s\u00fcredir saklanmak ad\u0131na bulundu\u011funuz \u015fehir, kendi kafan\u0131zda yaratt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z bu ola\u011fan\u00fcst\u00fc s\u0131ca\u011fa dayanamayarak nefesini tutar ve \u00e7ok ge\u00e7meden \u00f6l\u00fcme kar\u015f\u0131 direnen topal bir arzuya d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcr. Hemen herg\u00fcn, hi\u00e7 de mucizevi olmayan bu arzunun merkezine yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m yolculuklar, \u00e7ocuklu\u011fumdan \u00e7\u0131kan sinir u\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131 g\u00fcndelik ya\u015fam kayg\u0131s\u0131n\u0131n s\u0131radan zorunluluklar\u0131na ili\u015ftirir. Kazara \u00e7iftle\u015ftirilmi\u015f birbirinden ba\u011f\u0131ms\u0131z iki imgenin, kendilerinden ba\u011f\u0131ms\u0131z bir \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcnc\u00fc imgeyi do\u011furmas\u0131, ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z \u015fehri sadece size ait k\u0131lan \u00f6l\u00fcml\u00fc bir enerjinin serbest kalmas\u0131na neden olur. \u0130\u00e7 kanamay\u0131 \u00e7a\u011fr\u0131\u015ft\u0131ran ve kabu\u011funu s\u0131y\u0131rd\u0131k\u00e7a etkisi artan \u2018s\u0131cak\u2019la birlikte size terk edilen \u015fehir, travmatik bir yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131 da beraberinde getirir. \u00c7o\u011fu zaman ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m bu yaln\u0131zl\u0131k duygusu, paha bi\u00e7ilmez bir deniz kabu\u011funun i\u00e7inde can \u00e7eki\u015fmekte olan ye\u015fil bir \u00e7ekirgeye benziyor. G\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fc bir g\u00f6rsellik yaratsa bile \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcn bellek d\u0131\u015f\u0131 g\u00f6rkeminden ka\u00e7amayarak kendi s\u0131\u00e7rama fantezisinin ayak ucunda yok olmay\u0131 bekleyen ye\u015fil ve bi\u00e7imsiz bir yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa aitim! \u0130\u00e7 organlar\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131larak t\u00fcts\u00fclenmi\u015f bu kalabal\u0131\u011f\u0131n i\u00e7inde yaln\u0131z b\u0131rak\u0131lm\u0131\u015f \u0130stanbul \u015fehrinin sonradan olma duvarlar\u0131na as\u0131lm\u0131\u015f topal bir arzuyum. Uzun s\u00fcredir kendimi b\u00f6yle tan\u0131ml\u0131yorum \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc herkesin a\u00e7 bir k\u00f6pek gibi sald\u0131r\u0131p yap\u0131\u015farak s\u00fct\u00fcn\u00fc emdi\u011fi \u015fu zamana ait olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum. Devasa bir yast\u0131\u011f\u0131n i\u00e7inde s\u0131k\u0131\u015farak kuma\u015f\u0131 y\u0131rtmak ad\u0131na tekmeler savuran bir fikrin, yast\u0131\u011f\u0131n bi\u00e7imini bozmas\u0131, ancak asla onun d\u0131\u015f\u0131na \u00e7\u0131kamay\u0131\u015f\u0131n\u0131n d\u00f6ng\u00fcsel kaderine benzer bi\u00e7imde ben de bedensel jestimin bi\u00e7imini ruhsal bir manevrayla bozup onun tan\u0131d\u0131k i\u015faretlerini \u015fa\u015f\u0131rtmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum. \u0130\u00e7rel k\u0131l\u0131nmam\u0131\u015f nesnenin d\u0131\u015far\u0131ya yans\u0131t\u0131larak tarihi reddeden bir uydu bilgi alan\u0131 olu\u015fturmas\u0131 gibi, ben de mekan\u0131n hacmiyle birlikte t\u00fcketti\u011fim kronolojik zaman\u0131 b\u00fckerek, kendim ve kendilik aras\u0131nda paralel bir kurgu, kitabi bir refleks yarat\u0131yorum. Kendim ve kendilik aras\u0131nda, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnsel bir refleks sonucu a\u00e7\u0131lan bo\u015fluk! \u015eayet \u2018O\u2019 diye birisi varsa, \u015fayet \u2018O\u2019, arzunun \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131 yer ve onun hedefi aras\u0131nda s\u00fcregiden yan\u0131lsamal\u0131 devinimin \u00e7\u00fcr\u00fcmekte olan zaman alg\u0131s\u0131ysa, \u015fayet \u2018O\u2019, k\u0131r\u0131lm\u0131\u015f bir \u00e7ark\u0131n kendi \u00e7evresi etraf\u0131nda d\u00f6nerek \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131\u011f\u0131 s\u00f6zc\u00fck sesleriyle a\u015fk\u0131 \u00f6l\u00fcmden koruyan \u2018\u015fey\u2019 ise O\u2019nun, kendim ve kendilik aras\u0131nda \u2018O\u2019 olmayan bir \u00f6teki taraf\u0131ndan yarat\u0131lm\u0131\u015f oldu\u011funa eminim. Giderek hacimlenen bo\u015fluk duygusu, kendi s\u0131n\u0131rs\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 O\u2019nun sayesinde yan\u0131lsamal\u0131 bir ger\u00e7eklik alg\u0131s\u0131na d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcrd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde, a\u015fk eyleminin koordinatlar\u0131 da ki\u015fisel tarihinize yaz\u0131lm\u0131\u015f olur. Ya\u015fayamad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z anda yasa b\u00fcr\u00fcnen, kendisinden uzakla\u015ft\u0131k\u00e7a pe\u015finizi b\u0131rakmayan, g\u00f6zlerinizi a\u00e7t\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z anda sizi yok sayan o b\u00fcy\u00fck a\u015fk, t\u0131pk\u0131 bir nefes ya da ruh gibi genle\u015ferek sahip oldu\u011funuz her \u015feyi daha da y\u00fcksekten izleme f\u0131rsat\u0131n\u0131 sunan bir prova kay\u0131tt\u0131r. Ne yaparsan\u0131z yap\u0131n, o b\u00fcy\u00fck a\u015fk kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z \u00e7aresizlik, er ya da ge\u00e7 ba\u015fkalar\u0131n\u0131n trajik zaferiyle g\u00f6zya\u015f\u0131 olarak d\u00fc\u015fecektir.<\/p>\n
Tan Tolga Demirci<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[17],"class_list":["post-97","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-tan-tolga-demirci","comments-off"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/upas.evvel.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/97","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/upas.evvel.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/upas.evvel.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/upas.evvel.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/upas.evvel.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=97"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/upas.evvel.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/97\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":98,"href":"https:\/\/upas.evvel.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/97\/revisions\/98"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/upas.evvel.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=97"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/upas.evvel.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=97"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/upas.evvel.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=97"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}